Wednesday, January 30, 2013
A Volcano
I am just starting to get angrier....I'm in a dark place. I feel though that my "dark place" is a bit different than others' "dark place"....Serena and I have been fighting for the past two days. Fan-fucking-tastic. It seems like negativity just overflows everywhere.....Today has been terrible as well. I feel like going to drink. I'm trying to avoid using drinking as a coping mechanism but sitting around doesn't really work. It seems like things around me are falling apart as well....I didn't go to Jazz because I was late so I would not have been allowed to participate. I don't have my laptop because it is broken. I'm having a problem with someone who I have always had a problem with today. The pool tournament is tonight and I'm sure I will not do too well. I just want to hide and scream and kick something.
Monday, January 28, 2013
A Return
My last post was on December 24, 2011....My friend Sandy B. and I decided that we are going to start blogging again. To say what I have been doing for the past year would take a long time but I'll try!...I have dating Serena L. since February 12, 2012. It's almost our one year. I am also High Alpha for Epic Zeta for the second year....It's a tough year for us because after May, we will have five BRhothers graduate. Which means we will really need to recruit this semester. I have only three Dance classes until my Theatre classes start in March. But my Dance class starts at 7:30 a.m. on Monday/Wednesday and I go to work at 7 a.m. on Tuesday/Thursday/Friday....That means I will be sleepy all semester. At least I'm less busy this semester. Taking a Latin/Salsa I with my sands RHOgue is so much fun. We should've done this a long time ago. I have a feeling we'll get even closer.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Epiphany
I want to be happy....But I'm not doing anything about it. I'm finally acknowledging that I "should be" happier than what I am.....Before I wasn't even close to knowing where I was. It's weird to want to be better. Weird because I was content with whatever I got.....Now I realize that I have been allowing myself to be at a "comfortable" level of happiness instead of going as high as I could. I know I could be happier but I'm not doing anything about it. One day, I'll be able to make the move. I just hope those opportunities stay.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Project Phase III
The concepts I am integrating are Psychology and Theatre. I’ve always enjoyed psychology. I enjoy how it is almost able to explain everything about the human psyche. The human is such a complex entity and for a field of knowledge to almost have it down pat is pretty amazing. Sure there are a lot of variations on a lot of things but the human psyche just keeps evolving and it’s ever-changing. Theatre has been a part of my life for five years now. I absolutely love acting and performing in general. To have the audience in the palm of my hand and to have the power (if I do the role well) to make them laugh, cry, hate me or love me, is just mind-blowing to me. I prefer theatre over film because it’s live and it’s different with every performance.
How am I going to integrate these two? I have thought of two ways. The first one, I do it anytime I take on a role. I use what I’ve learned in psychology and try to figure out the character’s background and motivations that guide the character’s actions. I do my best to psychoanalyze using the information I’ve learned in the past few years to determine how to proceed with the character. The other way is to use theatre techniques in psychology. I need to do more research in this area but it’s the same as using psychology in theatre. I would want to work more with families and to learn about their roles in the family and how they work together. I always thought that life is a play and I guess the family can be compared to a cast you work with. A cast has to be able to have good chemistry and I think a lot of that chemistry comes from understanding one another.
I think this will help me achieve my vision in that “making it” as an actor is more, to me, philosophical than something I can actually measure. I don’t think winning an Oscar is me “making it”. To me, it’s being able to play every role and become every character on a consistent basis to the point where I know that I can maintain it. Delving more into the world of psychology and learning more information will help me with the roles I take on.
I think it can help others because if I can bring a character to life by learning their unique characteristics, then I should be able to better understand the human condition. If I am able to become a character where someone can relate to what they see onstage, maybe I can offer some insight to the psychological problems or questions people might have. Learning about the characters gives me the chance to look at life from a different perspective that isn’t my own. At least as much as I can get without actually body snatching. This would have to take me bettering myself in the psychology field though because I feel out of the two, theatre is a lot stronger.
How am I going to integrate these two? I have thought of two ways. The first one, I do it anytime I take on a role. I use what I’ve learned in psychology and try to figure out the character’s background and motivations that guide the character’s actions. I do my best to psychoanalyze using the information I’ve learned in the past few years to determine how to proceed with the character. The other way is to use theatre techniques in psychology. I need to do more research in this area but it’s the same as using psychology in theatre. I would want to work more with families and to learn about their roles in the family and how they work together. I always thought that life is a play and I guess the family can be compared to a cast you work with. A cast has to be able to have good chemistry and I think a lot of that chemistry comes from understanding one another.
I think this will help me achieve my vision in that “making it” as an actor is more, to me, philosophical than something I can actually measure. I don’t think winning an Oscar is me “making it”. To me, it’s being able to play every role and become every character on a consistent basis to the point where I know that I can maintain it. Delving more into the world of psychology and learning more information will help me with the roles I take on.
I think it can help others because if I can bring a character to life by learning their unique characteristics, then I should be able to better understand the human condition. If I am able to become a character where someone can relate to what they see onstage, maybe I can offer some insight to the psychological problems or questions people might have. Learning about the characters gives me the chance to look at life from a different perspective that isn’t my own. At least as much as I can get without actually body snatching. This would have to take me bettering myself in the psychology field though because I feel out of the two, theatre is a lot stronger.
Friday, November 18, 2011
The Sage
"When we have learned to stop fighting life and to trust its processes, we no longer need suffering." P218
First, I want to say this was probably my favorite chapter. I love this quote because I've been writing a movie for the past three years and this quote sums it up perfectly. It's about a group of people who go through their own struggles; for example, one is gay but doesn't come out to family because they'd be ashamed of him and another is a lesbian who is out with everyone except for her church. Her conflict comes from trying to be a "good Christian" and being a lesbian. Well the movie goes on with the several characters going through their struggles. Throughout the movie, closer to the end of course, each one just lets go and accepts their situation.
With this acceptance, things happen to become easier. Not because things change drastically but it's that thinking that maybe the best thing to do with LIFE sometimes isn't to fight it but to just accept it and work with it.
"Such a person cannot commit to a lover, because he does not know how to know if this is the right person for him." P216
I almost understood this section, "The Negative Sage". It talks about things not being good enough and feeling numb. I've felt both. I do at the present time with some things I'm going through. It seems as though no matter what I accomplish, it falls short to the feeling of "accomplishment" I think I should be feeling. I do understand being pessimistic because I don't know for sure if a relationship will work out or if my chapter is going to succeed so I just hope for the worst.
I do understand how others can feel superior to others because of their inability to understand. We (my fraternity) have run into some bad vibes from other fraternities because we're not like them. We're not overly macho or cocky. We actually dance in public and act like ourselves as goofy as that may be. I feel like this comes from them not understanding who we are and I think if we took the time to try to understand each other, there would be no need to feel superior to someone.
First, I want to say this was probably my favorite chapter. I love this quote because I've been writing a movie for the past three years and this quote sums it up perfectly. It's about a group of people who go through their own struggles; for example, one is gay but doesn't come out to family because they'd be ashamed of him and another is a lesbian who is out with everyone except for her church. Her conflict comes from trying to be a "good Christian" and being a lesbian. Well the movie goes on with the several characters going through their struggles. Throughout the movie, closer to the end of course, each one just lets go and accepts their situation.
With this acceptance, things happen to become easier. Not because things change drastically but it's that thinking that maybe the best thing to do with LIFE sometimes isn't to fight it but to just accept it and work with it.
"Such a person cannot commit to a lover, because he does not know how to know if this is the right person for him." P216
I almost understood this section, "The Negative Sage". It talks about things not being good enough and feeling numb. I've felt both. I do at the present time with some things I'm going through. It seems as though no matter what I accomplish, it falls short to the feeling of "accomplishment" I think I should be feeling. I do understand being pessimistic because I don't know for sure if a relationship will work out or if my chapter is going to succeed so I just hope for the worst.
I do understand how others can feel superior to others because of their inability to understand. We (my fraternity) have run into some bad vibes from other fraternities because we're not like them. We're not overly macho or cocky. We actually dance in public and act like ourselves as goofy as that may be. I feel like this comes from them not understanding who we are and I think if we took the time to try to understand each other, there would be no need to feel superior to someone.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The Ruler
"As the Warrior needs to learn to fight for what really matters (not just win) and the Caregiver to sacrifice only for what is essential (not just to win)...." P188
I found this to be very interesting because sometimes we forget to do things for the "right" reasons. This section talked about the Shadow Ruler. They do things for the sake of doing it and not for the "good". It's to win just because they can. To realize the Shadow Ruler exists, sometimes it takes hurting ourselves or someone else. It goes with a saying I live by; "Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven". It's the existence of hell that makes heaven that much better.
"And the saddest resource to waste is a human life." P189
The Ruler can see the potential in all people. As President in my fraternity, I notice a lot of bRhothers being put down and their value questioned by other bRhothers. I do my best to see the good that those in question can contribute. I also do my best for those bRhothers to actually use their potential. Me bringing it out of them and doing it for them will be pointless. I believe all bRhothers have something to contribute. Some characteristics are easier to see or notice than others though.
I found this to be very interesting because sometimes we forget to do things for the "right" reasons. This section talked about the Shadow Ruler. They do things for the sake of doing it and not for the "good". It's to win just because they can. To realize the Shadow Ruler exists, sometimes it takes hurting ourselves or someone else. It goes with a saying I live by; "Sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven". It's the existence of hell that makes heaven that much better.
"And the saddest resource to waste is a human life." P189
The Ruler can see the potential in all people. As President in my fraternity, I notice a lot of bRhothers being put down and their value questioned by other bRhothers. I do my best to see the good that those in question can contribute. I also do my best for those bRhothers to actually use their potential. Me bringing it out of them and doing it for them will be pointless. I believe all bRhothers have something to contribute. Some characteristics are easier to see or notice than others though.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
The Vital Five
One of the five things that I find vital in my journey is my fear of failure. Usually this would stop people from doing many things. But for me, I've heard from others, it keeps me grounded. Not being cocky really goes a long away. I never take anything for granted and question my value of, in this case, myself as an actor. I think this keeps me on my toes and allows me to never be comfortable with my situation. My fear that I can fail at anytime is something I wouldn't give up though.
Another thing is my hesitancy to trust. I guess this can be lined up with my fear of failure. But my hesitancy to trust allows me to keep people at a distance. I've grown up being hurt by those close to me. Not just jumping into complete trust with someone gives me the chance of not being hurt or taken advantage of. I find this and my fear of failure to be necessary so I wouldn't give this up either.
The third thing I want to list is my girlfriend. She provides me with support and shows me reason to be optimistic. As much as she is able to build me up she still is there to keep me grounded and make sure I don't get cocky. I know that she'll stick it out with me through thick and thin, that's why I'm not going to get rid of her. The only thing that would stop us is if I had to move and she couldn't or wouldn't.
Another thing I have is my fraternity. These guys provide a family for me that differs from my blood family. They provide people I can count on anytime and also networking purposes. They know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Being in this fraternity has helped me grow as a person and also puts me in leadership positions that I never would've experienced had I not done it.
The fifth thing I have is my family. As much as I'm grateful for everything they've done for me and who they've shaped me into, I feel like lately they've held me back a lot. There's a lot I want to do with my life at the moment but I have to hold back because of my mom's financial situation or my younger brothers needing someone there or protecting my family from my dad. The thing I would want to give up is my family. It would kill me to do it but I feel like it'd be a burden that I can be rid of. I would come back to help my family once I accomplish my goals but at the moment, I would cut them off.
Another thing is my hesitancy to trust. I guess this can be lined up with my fear of failure. But my hesitancy to trust allows me to keep people at a distance. I've grown up being hurt by those close to me. Not just jumping into complete trust with someone gives me the chance of not being hurt or taken advantage of. I find this and my fear of failure to be necessary so I wouldn't give this up either.
The third thing I want to list is my girlfriend. She provides me with support and shows me reason to be optimistic. As much as she is able to build me up she still is there to keep me grounded and make sure I don't get cocky. I know that she'll stick it out with me through thick and thin, that's why I'm not going to get rid of her. The only thing that would stop us is if I had to move and she couldn't or wouldn't.
Another thing I have is my fraternity. These guys provide a family for me that differs from my blood family. They provide people I can count on anytime and also networking purposes. They know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Being in this fraternity has helped me grow as a person and also puts me in leadership positions that I never would've experienced had I not done it.
The fifth thing I have is my family. As much as I'm grateful for everything they've done for me and who they've shaped me into, I feel like lately they've held me back a lot. There's a lot I want to do with my life at the moment but I have to hold back because of my mom's financial situation or my younger brothers needing someone there or protecting my family from my dad. The thing I would want to give up is my family. It would kill me to do it but I feel like it'd be a burden that I can be rid of. I would come back to help my family once I accomplish my goals but at the moment, I would cut them off.
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